This is a classic tale of an underachiever. In his early twenties, struggling with college, with responsibilities beyond the grasp of his capable hands. This is a compilation of two decades of hopelessness, two decades of insecurities and constant failed pursuit of a meaning(s) or a purpose(s). I have chosen not to talk about it anymore, and tried my best to make it go away, to shun its existence and to sweep it under the carpet, unnoticed, untouched and unrecognised by me in particular and those who are around me. But I failed miserably.
An underachiever wouldn't achieve beyond great, they will, as according to societal decree, be average, and to fail is normal. With that "reality" in mind, I tried to deconstruct my predicament. Is it true? Is it constant? Is it fixed? I have no room to manoeuvre then? I'm not going to tell you what I have been through. You might tell me it is not that bad after all, but let me assure you, it is that bad. If I choose to tell you the complete truth, an underachieving twenty something might be insufficient to describe what I really am.
I have dreams too, you know. I have ideas. When people talk about what they have learnt in class, I think about what that man said halfway across the world, decades ago on the same matter but was left undiscussed, hence I ended up assuming it was not important and I fell into the mundane, fallacious "in-class-group-activities" discussing on a mere trivial matter made important. So, it is true at times, I'm an underachiever, but by the standards of the system, that is. I can manoeuvre, but little by little I realised, that the system is a set of repetitions, repetitively by default, not making us "feel" different, not making us see the world in different prisms and not making us solve problems differently.
There's no use, no actual, concrete benefits (as far as I can see so far) in manoeuvring in a repetitive, constant anti-nodal and nodal waves. So, I'm not going to revolt, turning myself into a left wing socialist slash Bernie Sanders slash Michael Moore slash Chomsky avid supporter, parading around campus telling people to quit the system with fight the corrupt and capitalism kills your mother placard but I will, deep inside do so, and in silence and persevere in repetitions.
Well, this is positive. I was hoping to end this differently.